The ridiculousness of the educational program I have to follow made me completety lose any will to live, and I had an insane panic attack in the evening.
Shitcoding in Python temporarily lifted my mood. Also I found a cool song.
I finally finished the website, which is great. Other than that, the whole day I was trying not to blow up again because the 5-day-long mental rape starts tomorrow, and I was mostly successful.
It actually wasn’t that bad, but I felt sick as shit the whole day.
Everything was alright, except still being sick and not having quite enough time to do all the stuff I’d planned. Also my website finally doesn’t suck as much and has an actual blog.
Still sick and still no time. Fuck.
Not as sick now; still keeping on being not in the shittiest mood. Still no time, though, but the weekend is close, and I hope I’ll finally be able to experiment with my rice and watch some anime.
I genuinely felt happy like I did most of the time 4 previous days. This is really unusual, but I hope it stays.
No anime, yes rice. In any case, I’ll also have time tomorrow.
I didn’t. Also no rice this time. I could barely find anything to enjoy today. Overall, my mood got about as shitty as usual. Also I started to think more about uploading this website to Neocities, but God knows how much time it’ll take to force myself to do that if things go as they always do.
shit fuck fuck fuck shit fuck fuck shit fuck fuck fuck shit shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit fuck shit fuck fuck fuck fuck shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit fuck shit shit fuck fuck fuck shit fuck shit shit shit shit fuck fuck fuck fuck shit shit shit shit fuck fuck shit shit fuck fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit shit fuck fuck fuck shit fuck
I spent really too much time thinking about the font size on my website for little reason. Luckily, it seems like I mostly fixed it. Other than that, the day fucking sucked, and I’m also now being forced by the place I’m studying in to participate in a completely ridiculous singing(!) competition, and I die inside every time I even think of it. I’ll, of course, try my absolute best to skip it because it’s a torture worse than almost any other one.
I nearly exploded in panic while studying, but I did it. It’ll probably cause me some trouble later, but I don’t care. After getting home, I somehow managed to lift my ass and take care of my projects, but not as much as actually writing any significant code. Overall, it could be worse, but I still wish I was dead.
No trouble yet. Except maybe having to listen to the rest of the group singing their shit the second time. Other than that, I could barely move and, of course, I didn’t do anything I’d planned.
I was so fucking tired both physically and mentally the whole day. Listening to city pop and mostly finishing ethmenu lifted my mood but not much.
The day began with nearly shitting my pants while still being in bed. After doing one study-related thing, I came back home and fell asleep at about 5 PM. I woke up at least 2 times and felt really really sick. I woke up at about 7 AM the next day, so I couldn’t actually write this entry on the stated date.
Less sick, also did some website and Python stuff. Overall, not that bad.
Everything got worse. A lot. I wish I wasn’t alive.
I finally managed to watch an anime, and it just happened to be one of the best I’ve ever seen. But it still couldn’t completely fix the fact that I feel like shit.
I kept thinking the whole day about what I’d watched, but it coupled with feeling sick created a very unpleasant surreal feeling that I’ve already experienced many times before. I hope it goes away soon. Also I planned to add bookmarks or shit to this website, but, fuck, there’s no time again.
The feeling is mostly gone, but it was replaced by suicidal thoughts. I mean, considering what a pathetic, lazy, useless, and miserable cunt I am, and what country I live in, there’s no way my life will ever get better, and it makes perfect sense to just end it all. Other than that, I still feel kinda sick and tired as fuck.
Though I feel a little bit better, nothing interesting happened except suddenly falling asleep for 6 hours.
I finally got my hands on Neocities and even almost made a cool 1990s styled theme for my website. I still feel like shit physically, but better mentally.
The theme has been mostly finished, and some new city pop has been discovered. The last thing I want to do now is to study.
Don’t want to live, don’t have any time, but do feel like shit.
It got much worse. I feel really hopeless and almost like I’m going insane. Some progress was made with Neocities, but not much, considering the aforementioned problem.
I felt even worse in the morning, but it got better after studying. The issues that caused me to feel so weren’t fixed though. The Neocities version of the website is complete, but some polishing is still needed. I added the background music, which I had to host on the Gitlab Pages version of the website because it turned out uploading audio files to Neocities is a bad idea. It was a kinda pain in the ass to exclude the audio folder from being uploaded (and rejected) each time, and I hope they won’t mistakingly ban me or something.
Pretty much nothing happened. I felt about as shitty as yesterday but had almost no time to do anything. Also I came up with a weird social media concept while studying, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever implement it.
My mood was shittier, and I definitely was thinking about killing myself more than yesterday. I was supposed to have time today, but I didn’t because I’m a lazy fucker. It’s finally the weekend, and I hope I’ll be able to do the work on my website I’d planned (polishing the Neocities version + adding more personal stuff) and watch some movies and anime I’ve wanted to watch for a long time.
I spent the whole day doing nothing and sometimes updating the website. That’s it.
The same as yesterday, except I spent even less time on the website and felt emptier inside. Also I finally followed the Neocities’ websites that I like to not lose them.
Another cool song has been found. Other than that, everything’s like yesterday but worse.
Right after writing the previous entry, I had a sudden panic attack similar to one that happened on 2020-02-07. Or is it called a mental breakdown? I’ve always used these terms more or less interchangeably, and Wikipedia and other web resources doesn’t help much with understanding. Also my self-harm went a little bit too far this time, but I guess it’s okay. While all of this was happening, I was constantly relistening that song, and I suspect overall I spent like 7 hours listening to it.
In any case, I had barely any sleep and was more than an hour late to study. After studying, I finally decided to do something to my barely alive phone after procrastinating to do that for probably more than a month. Later I watched some videos and just fell asleep for the whole day, and that was it.
I woke up several times while sleeping and felt like shit, but the classes started later than usual, so I had time to fully wake up, and it got better. While the phone is still being repaired, I have to do everything on my PC, and it’s hard as fuck because I have to be outside sometimes and really want to just lie on the bed all the time. Also I’m so stupid, I forgot to save the data from it. This includes my playlist and YouTube subscriptions. I guess I’ll have to recreate them from scratch and might as well upload them here. After getting back home, I spent the whole time doing nothing and thinking about if I should use a cloud file storage and which one.
I’m back to having almost no sleep. Also a groupmate said something that made me excessively think about suicide and I almost blew up while trying to study. I have a lot of things that I want and/or need to do, but there’s barely any time, and I doubt there will be enough on the weekend.
I felt kinda shitty, and my Internet connection did too. Pretty much nothing else happened, except I came up with another insane project idea - a digital ID card. The chances of me implementing it are even lower than for that social network one.
As I expected, I neither did anything I’d planned nor enjoyed the weekend (yet). Also I spent a ridiculous amount of time thinking if I made the wrong choice by not using a copyleft license for my projects and how I can fix the situation. I even went as far as writing a email to a licensing organization. My head is full right now and I have barely any energy to even move.
When I woke up, I felt pretty happy, and it even escalated to an almost orgasmic feeling, but later I felt kinda empty inside and drained. The only thing I managed to do is to finally recover the YouTube subscriptions. Also I listened to other Idris Muhammad’s songs and found another nice one.
I was slightly happy when the last day ended and after I woke up, but I made a huge mistake by thinking about my life while (pretending to be) studying. In any case, my phone is back, and missing it for several days has taught me some important lessons:
- It’s better to just use the desktop at home.
- It’s better not to use it outside.
- It’s better to limit its usage overall.
- The regular dark theme (not the completely black one) doesn’t actually suck that much.
It also reminded me of how poorly I was backing up my data and that some of the apps that I used are outdated.
I’m so fucking tired. My mood keeps changing between a very optimistic one and the “nothing makes sense; I’m doomed” one too much in the last days. Also the government of the 3rd world country I live in proposed a thing that’s gonna take away even more democracy, and I finally got my hands on checking the thing itself. We’re actually fucked. I’m losing the last bits of hope that my life is ever gonna get better.
We finally got told about the coronavirus and shit. Since yesterday, we even have soap in the restrooms, but I have no idea why it wasn’t there in the first place. Some people (in my observation) still don’t use it. What a nasty fuckers. The classes aren’t canceled though, so I’ll still have to suffer. Considering I’m not doing shit on them and am tired as fuck, I’m probably gonna fail and get kicked the hell out, which is bad news because I’m male, and this country has fucked up mandatory military service. Even if I serve (and, of course, get traumatized), I’ll have absolutely no opportunity to become anyone in my life. Overall, actively wishing to kill myself to end this misery, but not knowing a good way to do so sucks, and it’s been one of the main reasons of me being in panic all the time for a while now. I, of course, constantly give hints of this, sometimes not entirely voluntarily, but no one gives a shit about each other, so I don’t expect help to ever arrive. Or do I even need and/or deserve it? Will the help just introduce more problems?
Pretty much nothing happened, and I still feel like shit. I have some things to do on the weekend, but something tells me that not this time again.
I feel slightly happier. Also I finally added the 2018 dream journal and the playlist on this website. More stuff is planned, I hope at least some will me implemented.
Didn’t do anything yet except upgrading to Fedora 32 Beta. Some things, of course, broke (Python because of the version change and ALSA with PulseAudio because my audio card is a steaming pile of goat shit; both are fixed now), but, other than that, everything’s okay, and the updated Sway (also the kernel and possibly other things) is fast as shit and doesn’t have some graphical problems it had before. Some weird crap is still happening because of my CPU, but I’m still excited.
The only thing I managed to do is to write a blogpost about my PC. My mood stayed almost the same. Overall, I did very little of what I’d actually planned, but who cares about that if my desktop experince finally doesn’t suck that much, and I’ve finally written something for my blog. I have to attend a military comission (or whatever it’s called) tomorrow, and I hope everything goes fine. I pretty much expect to be anxious as fuck while the whole thing is happening, and my parents, of course, aren’t even trying to be supportive, but it’s not like there’s any escape. In any case, I wish I was dead.
Update: fucking amazing song. That’s it.
The commission was mostly fine because I didn’t have time to get as anxious as I expected. They just checked our health and told us to get lost. Their “checkup”, of course, is jack shit of a real one, and I’ve been thinking of going to an actual doctor, but what am I gonna tell them if I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. In any case, my mood wasn’t that bad at first, which is good, considering it really was after I wrote the yesterday’s entry, and I even had ridiculous thoughts like considering choking myself to death right at that moment. My mom then also impolitely asked if I’m questioning my gender identity (which is apparently bad in this country) following a certain sexist appearance stereotype. No, I fucking don’t. I’m pretty sure I’m male. OR AM I? (I am.) Right now my brain isn’t doing a great job at consistently feeling happy, and I really want to be hugged to death.
The thing that made my day much worse than I expected was a constant nuclear explosion in my stomach. It was, of course, caused by my awful diet - I don’t remember the last time I actually ate any vegetables before today. Also I had a sore throat, and it made everything almost fucking unbearable. My mind was really foggy and uncertain, and my study situation is probably about to get even worse.
Nothing happened. My TODO list has grown pretty large in the last days, but I hope I’ll be able to handle it on the weekend as usual. My mood slightly improved, but I could still barely think because my brain just didn’t want to.
I can think even less - I now find it even more difficult to not only construct sentences but also to think of the next word. Also suddenly the quarantine has been actually declared, so I guess I’ll finally have some time. Also I hope if I die, I’ll die quickly. I spent some time recreating that one website from my 2018 dream, but, other than that, nothing else happened.
I decided to recreate every album cover art on this website. That’s a ridiculous task, but so far it’s been fun. Except when my desktop crashes and I get so angry I’m ready to fucking kill myself. Other than that, the day sucked, and, like Bill Wurtz said,
I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.
Except a very intense mental breakdown in the morning, nothing almost happened. I spend the whole day doing album cover arts again.
I’ve seen an amazing video by Tom Scott about the topic I’ve been recently pretty interested in - the copyright system. I absolutely agree with Tom and hope that the shit is gonna get fixed in my lifetime. Other than that, I still was doing those album art covers.
Fucking albums again. 5 more this time and 5 more left. All are of Mariya Takeuchi’s albums. My mood was not that bad actually, and I even felt pretty happy in the morning. Also I’ve been recently thinking more than usual about if I might be an egg or not. I’m pretty sure I’m not. But even if I am, my name (but not my legal one unfortunately) is already as gender-neutral as it can get.
Finally finished those albums + did some more minor shit for the website. The mood still wasn’t bad but not as happy as yesterday.
I was mostly doing nothing. Finally I decided to try out hardware video acceleration again, and it turns out my piece of shit video card can handle 1080p60 videos (H.264 only and not yet in Firefox). I have a couple of movies to watch (that includes The Room and Interstellar), but I procrastinate so much I can’t even do that. I also did some other minor work on my rice like making Picture-in-Picture videos behave properly and fixing my folder hierarchy.
I’m still questioning if I’m an egg or not. I think I should make a list of reasons why I might be or might be not and maybe publish it here. Also I’ve been listening to Casiopea quite a lot in the recent days. Their songs sound so fucking great - I can’t even count how many times I’ve already relistened Mint Jams. At the same time, Sway keeps freezing all the time, and it fucking infuriates me. The fault here is probably not even Sway’s and can lie anywhere in the graphics stack. I tried to capture its logs, but it just refused to crash when I wanted it to. Luckily, the 4th attempt was successful, but it didn’t help for shit because Sway said nothing when the freeze happened. In any case, I submitted the bug report directly to the Intel Linux DRM bugtracker, and now I can only pray it gets fixed. Other than that, my mood was kinda crappyish and I still have big problems with self-care.
No list has been made yet. Also my sleep schedule keeps drifting and it gets more and more fucked up. I felt like shit and didn’t do shit.
Okay, fuck the list, now I’m just confused. I’m just not sure who the fuck I am. I constantly keep questioning my gender and sexuality, and it coupled with a following sense of complete doom because of the unfixable suckage level of my life drives me crazy. Maybe it would be easier for me to get the answer if I was a normally functioning member of the society who could normally contact with people and not a complete disaster that destroys everything it touches for both myself and everyone else, but right now I don’t know what to do. But one thing is certain - I want to be dead. I deserve nothing, and I should get literally nothing. Forever.
In any case, to the good stuff. I made a video game journal, and the movie journal is kinda in progress. It wasn’t very hard because I don’t play shit, but isn’t that great to have one?
The movie journal is done. It was kinda fun trying to recall every movie I’ve seen. Other than that, nothing happened. Also I think should make the list sometime.
My sleep schedule is fucked up beyong recovery, and I’ve completely lost the sense of time. But, in any case, I don’t need to attend anything so I can give no shit for now. I did some work on the website today and managed to find the point and click games I played as a child. Also I feel guilty for not talking to one of my old friends for so long, so probably I should write him a letter or something.
I hate my body. I hate myself. I hate my country. I hate the fact I can’t deal with the stupid people I have to be with. There’s no fucking escape out of this. I’m doomed for life. Please, please, someone, make it stop.
My life became a nightmare. After I wrote the yesterday’s entry, one person decided to “cheer me up” by threatning me with physical abuse again. I don’t know what they expected, but it pushed me the closest to ending my life by all possible means yet, and now just a single thought about my further life makes me go nuts. Also I finally tried cutting myself. I didn’t do a great job at it, but I was very satisfied in any case. I could barely sleep and was falling apart the whole day, but it wasn’t as bad as yesterday’s evening. I wish they pushed me just a little bit farther, freeing me out of this shit.
The shit is getting better, I guess? In any case, I’m still really fucking tired and now also slightly physically damaged. I’m trying my absolute best at not giving a shit but not always successfully. I think I need to finally watch or play something. Also I started obsessively questioning my gender identity once again, and I’m so tired of that. I wish my mom never gave me a reason to think about it.
I finally started watching movies again, and this website now has secret pages. Other than that, the time passes too fucking quickly.
The sleep schedule got even more fucked up, and I got even lazier. I’m just falling apart. I hope it gets better soon.
Good things that happened:
- More secret pages.
Bad things that happened:
- I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.
I finally decided to use a cloud file storage for backing up my private shit. It happened because I suddenly remembered about rclone which apparently works with a fuckton of providers and even allows to mount folders. Other than that, everything’s getting worse. I wanted to die even more than yesterday and was going to try burning my skin to feel even more pain. I see absolutely no escape out of this doom. Maybe I should the list of problems with me and/or a suicide note just for in case.
No list yet. I still want to kill myself, but at least I didn’t hurt myself today. I’m still not sure about my gender, but I do want to try out a feminine voice just for my interest’s sake. I’ll probably fail because my vocal abilities are virtually non-existent, and I’m lazy as fuck, but when have those reasons ever stopped me. (Actually, they always do.) Also it turned out there was an MFSB song I hadn’t heard before. Other than that, I was as unproductive as you can imagine.
My schedule suddenly got fucked up again, and so did my mood. I just don’t feel alive at all. The only good thing that happened is me discovering colornames.org - the website where you can give name to any hex color. I did so for some of interesting ones. Also I got mistakingly IP-banned, but shit happens, I guess.
By the way, here’s a couple of funky songs I’ve discovered (or, actually, rediscovered because I’ve already heard future funk remixes of them) in the last days:
I decided to move into another room, and it forced me to finally sort out the complete mess in the house. I’m tired as fuck now, but it’s better for me, I guess? I’m still questioning my decision, but I always do that. Pretty much nothing else happened, and I still wish I was dead.
I updated some shit on this website. That’s it? Basically, I was doing nothing except overeating and overhydrating the whole day. I still keep questioning my decision, but now I’m also trying to make myself accept that changing things around sometimes is a never a bad idea. The same thing with my gender - I should just gradually try out feminine things and see how I feel, but I still can’t take my mind off obsessively thinking about it all the time. I won’t be able to go to the therapist (I’m scared and also fucked considering what country I live in) or come out to anyone (which will be really dangerous if I do) in any case, so why even bother. I’m still thinking of making the list, but this diary already sums up everything wrong with my life pretty good. Though, for the sake of being straightforward, I’ll still probably do that.
The List has been made, and the GitLab Pages version of this website now has a 404 page too. Also it turned out I forgot to do the monthly Web Archive backup of this website, so I did it today. I should probably make a script to make the process a little bit easier. Other than that, nothing changed.
I feel like I’m done for. I attached The List to my assignment in hopes of someone sometime helping me. I’m pretty sure no one will give a shit, but I’m not gonna stop hiding it everywhere until someone does.
My life is a nightmare once again, and I see no escape.
Still no escape, but I temorarily stopped giving a shit. It’ll make everything worse and won’t fix anything again, but I don’t have any other choice. Other than that, I did a little bit of work on the website and added a new secret page. Also I found out that Gunbuster March sounds similar to the French national anthem.
The shit’s so boring, I wish I could end it. Also keeping myself from panicking is mostly successful for now. I did some work on the website and added one more secret page I’ve been thinking of adding for a long time.
Everything got fucked up again, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to take it this time. On the bright side, I started watching Serial Experiments Lain, which is, for some reason, kind of popular on Neocities, and so far it’s been really damn good.
It’s getting even more fucked up, and I don’t know what to do. But, in any case, I managed to get my mind of thinking about triggering topics and constantly panicking by working on the website. It now has a yearbook and even more custom backgrounds (on Neocities). Also I didn’t quite have time to watch Lain technically today, so I’ll probably deprive myself from sleep to do that.
The only things I managed to do today are sleeping and watching anime.
I was bored as fuck, and nothing interesting happened. The time passes too damn fast and too damn slow at the same time.
Oh. God. I finally had enough balls to send The List to my mom, and we actually properly talked about it. I couldn’t be any happier. I now finally have a chance of talking about my problems with an actual specialist, though, I’m still extremely anxious about it. Maybe I should write the second list.
I felt pretty happy. Other than that, the only thing I did is adding one more secret page.
Even fewer things happened today, and I definitely felt much less happy. Also I’m getting more and more confused in myself on all fronts possible. Here’s another cool song I’ve recently been listening to: Grover Washington, Jr. - Just the Two of Us.
Just by an accident, I happened to check my email, and it turned out someone had written me from a throwaway asking if I’m okay several days ago. Well, shit. Whoever they are, they greatly overestimated my ability to quickly reply to emails. I hope they recieved my reply, or else it’ll be kinda sad. Maybe I should write some guidelines for writing me emails, where I say that I’m a slow piece of fuck. In any case, I still felt kinda shitty, and recieving that letter introduced an indescribable surreal feeling. Also I spent a significant amount of time making the icons for the Neocities version of the website so the shit looks great.
Nothing happened, but, at least, I was mostly successful at not giving a shit about anything. The email page is not done yet, and I’m also now planning to switch my home directory to systemd-homed, which is apparently available right out of the box in Fedora. Also I’ve been running out content lately, so I’ll probably watch some films or whatever tomorrow.
The email page is done, and it even has a dark theme. Its appearance was inspired by the scene from Super Mario 64, where mario recieves a letter from Pricess Peach. The systemd-homed migration hasn’t begun yet because I’m not sure if my display manager will properly handle it. Other than that, my mood was still okay, and the film I hope I’m going to watch after writing this entry is 2001: A Space Oddysey.
I still managed to not overthink too much and avoid fucking everything up again, but the day was sooooo boring. I tried moving to systemd-homed but failed because of a probable bug. I did watch 2001: A Space Oddysey in the end, and it was fucking amazing, but I feel so bad for pirating movies. I wish I had money for streaming services.
I woke up pretty late and didn’t have enough time to get bored. I did some work on a super secret writing project, and that’s about it.
Basically, the same as yesterday but without writing and with some panicking. Overall, could be worse. Also I discovered the details HTML tag, which basically does the same as my half-assed hack that I used on the home page of this website. Maybe I’ll replace it sometime.
Basically, I spent the whole day improving my rice - mainly scripts and configs. I also tried to move my GUI apps from dnf to flatpak, but ended up moving only non-GTK 3 ones. Some of the problems that arose were the ignored fontconfig (which also happened in non-GTK 3 apps), the ignored GTK config, and the missing GTK font anti-aliasing. I could only fix the first two, and I really already tried everything to fix the last one to no avail. I’ll try to solve the problem tomorrow, and probably more some more apps.
The anti-aliasing problem was successfully solved using extreme hackery, so I moved the GTK 3 apps to Flatpak too. I also tried moving Firefox, but the Flatpak version, for an uknown reason, is significantly slower, so I’ll keep using the Fedora version until it gets fixed. I’m not sure if I made the best decision by using Flatpak, and I also started questioning everything I know about sandboxing, software distribution, and hardware rendering acceleration. Thinking about that made me remember an insane idea I had in the past - writing a toy operating system. Considering how good my projects are at not surviving, and the fact that I now have another 2 insane ideas, it’s bold to think I’ll even attempt that. Other than that, my mood has recently been not too much crappy, and I’m thinking of reconnecting with the old friends I’ve left because of the 2018 bullshit.
Literally nothing happened. Reconnecting is still kinda in progress, and now I also have an idea to add credits (something like the End Poem) to the website.
I reconnected with one friend, and the website credits are finally here. And, oh boy, I’ve gotta tell you, they were hard as fuck to make, and I’m so satisfied with the result. I couldn’t be any happier.
I was going to add background music for the website credits but in the end did absolutely nothing. I’ll probably still add it later, but using Kevin MacLeod’s music or something because I can’t compose for shit. Also I experimented with the Flatpak version of Firefox a little bit, and it turns out turning off the hardware-accelerated compositing makes it run smooth (except scrolling). The dnf version of Firefox experiences the exact opposite, and it’s really weird, but I think I’ll be able to solve that mystery soon. It probably has something to do with the default config, and I don’t know yet how to properly compare them.
I caught myself not pushing the commit with a diary entry the day before again. Weird. In any case, the only interesting that happened is me launching the unpublished game I made 4 years ago and cringing because it’s complete shit and uses outdated and unfunny memes. Also I continued my Flatpak research, and I’m becoming more satisfied with my decision to switch. Currently I’m thinking of submitting bug reports to the repos of some applications that I use and that for some reason don’t use native file dialogs.
Almost right after writing yesterday’s entry, I discovered that TLauncher is on Flathub. Wow, that’s the last thing I expected to find there. In any case, now I use it instead of whatever I used before. Also I discovered that, when sandboxed, Glib uses plain text keyfiles to store GSettings, which is really cool. I now have them properly backed up, and I also made my home folder hierarchy a little bit less fucked up. I’m pretty interested in all of this cutting-edge stuff, and the next exciting thing for me will probably be when some useful Wayland protocol extensions finally become standard (you can track the progress on the wayland-protocols bugtracker).
Actually today, however, nothing almost happened. I made a Vistaserv.net home page for some reason, but I didn’t find much to put there. Also my sleep schedule is getting more and more fucked up and I still overeat a lot.
For the most of the day, I felt fucking awful, and nothing interesting
happened. I tried to fix some Firefox stuff, but in the end discovered
WLR_DRM_NO_ATOMIC=1 wlroots parameter that somehow fixed
multiple lags (including the cursor one) and, according to my educated
guess, probably even the GPU hang. What an interestings stuff happens
when you have shitty hardware. Afterwards, I finally got my hands on
tweaking the Firefox smooth scrolling, and I think I was successful.
Update 2020-05-16: the hang is still here. God fucking dammit.
Once again, my phone is being repaired, and I’m left with my PC only. Goddammit. Basically, I spent most of the day sleeping and the rest feeling like shit. The only interesting thing that happened is me finding this article about the modern Web, with which I fully agree.
The phone is no longer being repaired because it literally blew up. Thank god it didn’t happen at home. I guess I’ll have to buy another one. Other than that, they day was a little bit crappy. I recently discovered the album Cotton by Akira Jimbo, and it’s fucking amazing. It’s so catchy despite being so sad, and I can’t stop listening to it. I’ll add it to the playlist some day.
Yesterday I made my wallpaper change daily instead of daily and after each relaunch, and the whole day I was thinking about if used the right URL so it actually changes, but seems like it does. In any case, I started uploading the pre-2016 demo pages, and the work is currently extremely work in progress. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to obtain any actual HTML pages, but I will probably get at least screenshots. But even if I don’t, I’ll just recreate them by memory, like I did with the 2012 one. Also I did add Cotton to the playlist just like I promised yesterday.
I was bored beyond belief and felt like an absolute ass. Nothing happened at all. The only thing I want to do is to document the last bits of my life left and just stop existing.
The most fucked up thing that happened today is that I forgot how to type. Yes, I’m not kidding. I still can type somehow, but it’s now extremely uncomfortable, and I’m almost using my left hand only. It wasn’t so bad yesterday, and I don’t know how this could possibly happen. I guess I’ll have to relearn how to use the keyboard. Anyway, while I wasn’t looking (for 2 years), the AV1 video codec got much better support, and it even turned out it’s now able to synthesize film grain. God bless the people who added this feature and made it mandatory to implement. I’m so hyped. Other than that, I feel kinda better - I finally fixed a bug in ethmenu and obtained the screenshots of my pre-website demo pages, and, apparently, not all of them are form 2015.
Right after waking up, I got reminded that I need to study, which was the thing I needed the least. If you’ve read The List, you know the deal. In any case, nothing I’d planned was done, and I’m now even more confused about why I forgot how to type. It seems like it has something to do with the posture of my hands, and I have no idea how to fix it. Right now I’m trying to type this entry using a more or less correct way of typing, and it’s uncomfortable and slow as fuck. Also using hotkeys, which I have to use a lot, is painful as hell. Maybe because it’s actually not correct, and I need to watch some videos on the topic. I’m so confused.
The thing I’ve been thinking about recently is that aren’t I supposed talk to someone about me questioning my gender? I mean, it’s a horrible idea, especially considering who I live with, but shouldn’t I? In any case, everything’s fucked up, but I’m trying to stay chill. I probably won’t be able to do that for a long period time, but I’m trying. Nothing interesting happened except me being still not knowing how to type and recreating 2 more pre-website demo pages.
I’m doomed. There’s absolutely no chance that in this place and with this people I won’t be left badly damaged for life and will have any oppurtunity to live a normal life. There’s no one that can possibly help me and no way I can kill myself get out of this misery, and it’s driving me fucking insane. I’m so pathetic, I can’t do anything other than temporarily distract myself from this nightmare just to realize later that the problem is still here and will be here no matter what I do.
That is exactly what I was thinking about after I woke up. As you can see, I managed to distract myself again. Cool. All pre-website demo pages are finally here, and I can finally die happily. Or maybe not yet. I have an idea to make a list of my dead and unlisted projects and also a kink list. For obvious reasons, I’ll have to hide the latter pretty deep. But if you’re reading this, you already know where to look.
By the way, another Neocitizen, Otaking (by the way, how do you even pronounce that? Otah-king, oh-taking? My brain uses the latter, but something tells me it’s incorrect) bookmarked me. His description of my website is mostly (I’m jackshit of an actual programmer) correct, and it’s pretty cool that someone liked my website. Big thanks to djbdev for doing the same.
Nothing noteworthy happened, except I (partially) did what I promised.
I fell asleep at 5 AM after several hours of discussion of kinks and some weird shit from r/isitnormalto and could barely wake up at 6 PM. I’m literally writing this entry 2 hours after waking up, and I feel barely alive. Help.
I got a little bit nicer sleep today but still didn’t do shit. I added the best anime openings page, and it’s probably a bit controversial, but who gives a shit. Some more additions to the website are planned, but I’m lazy as fuck to do anything.
The day began really roughly. One person decided that it’d be a good idea to scream at and threaten me to give me some motivation, so I expectedly blew up again and cut myself, but this time with the biggest knife I could find. Man, it was so much sharper than I expected - you can probably chop a person in half with it if you try. Luckily, I didn’t try to chop myself in half and just damaged my hand. Considering the cut was more than half a centimeter deep, it’s good that I didn’t touch any veins or something. Have I aimed better, I’d still be here but suffer even more. The aftermath of all this shit took quite some time to take care of, and, as you can expect, I didn’t do shit again. I’ve also recently been thinking of how cool it’d be to just be reborn as a better person in a better place because of how much time I’ve already wasted and how I’m probably never going to be truly satisfied even if I change anything.